"You know I look but just can’t find the reasons/ To face another day/ Cause I feel like crawling up inside,/ Just fading away, fading away …"

I made it. I turned 29. I’m alive. Who would’ve guessed?

I came from a broken home. Since I was a child I had to deal with constants fights between my parents. While I was studying or doing my homework, they´re arguing …screaming out loud…I had to find a way to ignore the screams…to focus on my books…the books saved me…the school saved me …Then I started to write...and that saved me too...the words that I wasn’t able to speak… writing on a piece of paper really helped me to exorcise some of the demons that were haunting me ...

I had all the right reasons to just go wrong…to go in the wrong direction…to run away from home…to drop out of school…to indulge myself in drugs or alcohol… but somehow I had a guardian angel…my will to succeed was so strong that I found I way to create a shell around me to protect myself from that environment…

Everyone in my neighborhood was predicting that I would become like my mother… an insane crazy woman… but…I had my father as a role model…an intelligent man …a wise man…who taught me Roman numerals,  who helped me to solve the math problems and who taught me  History .… that man…my hero until this day…he  wouldn’t let me get lost… even when he was called by the school principal when I broke the bathroom sink while drunk in between classes …he never lost his faith in me…he is still my guardian angel…

And of course my sweet and gentle grandmother, who tried her best to build my education…who showed me that I was loved…and that I could be as normal as anybody else…  that I could play like the other kids and ignore my mother’s behavior…she always trusted in me… until today…

All my life I tried not to let them down…even if I had to pretend…like the good old Freddie used to sing “Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender/Pretending that I'm doing well/My need is such I pretend too much/I'm lonely but no one can tell”…I made them believe– until this day -  that I was the person they wanted me to be…I guess that the end justifies the means…sometimes, I feel guilty, I made their standards too high for me…so I have to be that flawless person around them…but I don’t care, as long as I can put a smile on their faces…

And as for my mother…I forgave her… I really did… I learned to love her…because…as I was growing up I realized she loved me too…in her own weird way…  

And of course, I found some friends along the way that made me feel happy and accepted …and they’re also the reason I’m still here now …to them… and they’re not many…I want to thank them …for all the good memories I have today …for the crazy …the good…the normal…and just the ok moments we had …

 And today…I feel like I am that broken toy that no one wants to play with anymore…and sure, I actually got into drugs and alcohol like I was supposed to …like I was destined to…but…even so, I wake up every morning and try to look normal… and for me, that tastes like victory… 

September's lullaby

Here’s to you…my soul that I once sold…

Here’s to the devil’s last laugh as the choir sings hallelujah …

Here’s to the castaway…the one left aside…the lonely flesh and bone body stuck between four empty walls…

Here’s to the darkness. The confusion. The anguish. The remorse.

Here’s to you. Here’s to me.

Here’s to the last single drop of wine in an empty bottle.

Here’s to the dreams and the dreamers.

Here’s to the sins and the sinners.

Here’s to the holy water exorcising the evil inside  one’s heart.

Here’s to the dawn that falls so gently and yet hurts so badly.

Here’s to the promise land. To the Neverland. To the heaven turned into Hell.

Here’s to the angels falling from grace …losing their wings and bleeding in public restroom floors.

Here’s to the invisible shadow crossing the path of sorrow and agony.

Here’s to the silent voice that sings the funeral tune of the damned.

Here’s to this autumn lullaby. This solitary melody. 

No God to watch over me. Only the sun that sets on the horizon and the moon that rises in the sky.

"Pills, Demons & Etc."

 You, you got skills you got the pills

You're getting older

You got the weight of all that's left you on your shoulder

But the world still waits for you

Though you stare right through me

You got your demons and your ways of life

You could pull the trigger and

You'd end the strike

I got the news you had the blues you bought a ticket

To the one place that I won't be going to visit

What the fuck where you thinking

Now I stare right through you

You got your demons and your ways of life

You could pull the trigger and

You'd end the strike

You got your demons and your fancy wine

It would go down easy if you'd spend the night

You got your demons and your ways of life

You could pull the trigger and

You'd end the strike

You got your demons and your fancy wine

It would go down easy if you'd spend the night

                                                                                                             - Velvet Revolver - 

.......

 I am shallow and empty again… like a carcass…

One minute I am here…the next  I’m gone…because I can’t just stay focused…

There’s this dark light that walks beside me wherever I go…no matter how hard I try to reach out for the clear skies …

I just need another drink to help get through the night…