Eu não existo mais.

Não consigo...por mais que tente,  não consigo existir. 

Celebração ou decadência?

Estou aqui no grande universo do nada

Sendo nada

Vivendo neste nada.

Eu caminho por vezes em ruas sinuosas e ouço vozes que não reconheço e deliro…

Mas depois volto a casa e reconheço os cheiros e as vozes e volto a realidade.

Sou dualidade.

A desconhecida nas ruas

A imagem amiga e familiar em casa.

Não sei qual delas a minha verdadeira identidade.

Sou uma estranha no meu mundo

Sou uma estranha em qualquer lugar,

Sou Prozac pela manhã e champanhe ao anoitecer.

Celebração ou decadência?

E encontrei, então, a minha voz…o meu caminho…

Nunca fui uma dessas raparigas …tão perfeitas que quando surgem, todos os homens param e olham …suponho que isso não é para mim…e estas minhas palavras podem soar um pouco com mágoa…mas não …não me importo…percebi que o meu propósito é outro…não quero impressionar as pessoas pelo meu aspecto ou pela forma como ando…não quero impressionar ninguém numa mini-saia ou algo do género …eu quero ser notada pelas minhas palavras…pelas minhas filosofias…quero partilhar com o mundo a minha perspectiva…a minha visão…as minhas ideias sobre a vida…

Recentemente, tive uma experiência única de subir a um palco sozinha para partilhar as minhas palavras perante um vasto público … público esse que momentos antes murmurava aqui e ali e de repente ficou totalmente em silêncio …ligado às minhas palavras…ligado a mim…naquele momento…senti que pela primeira vez que me ouviam verdadeiramente…diferentes pessoas…de diferentes idades e origens…conectadas a mim naquela singela tarde…e senti que, de alguma forma, fiz a diferença para eles …que de alguma forma movi algo dentro de cada um…e cada um deles me moveu de uma forma que não poderei explicar…e as suas lágrimas e a forma como aplaudiram fez-me sentir completa…

E encontrei, então a minha voz...o meu caminho...     

                                                               

“How many times must I sell myself before my pieces are gone?"

Atingi o fundo.

Dentro de mim sinto-me no ponto máximo de estagnação. E é como se tivesse de volta aos meus tempos na Suíça, e começo a pensar que o problema não é a o lugar onde eu estou, sou eu. Onde quer que esteja, tudo me enfada. “ Só estou bem, onde não estou…”

Estou entregue a inércia, ao álcool e às péssimas escolhas alimentares. E isso está a notar-se cada vez mais, interior e exteriormente, e, por muito que eu tenha a noção disso, agora não tenho forças para mudar

Digo para mim mesma que tudo me corre mal porque não estou no caminho que devia de estar. Qual é o caminho onde eu devia de estar?

Pergunto-me se eu estivesse algures neste momento trabalhando como actriz, estaria feliz? Ou pelo menos sentir-me-ia menos miserável?

E enquanto escrevo isto explodo em lágrimas de mágoa por sentir que estou a desperdiçar toda a minha existência numa vida que não me satisfaz. E eu não sei como remediar tudo isto. Temo que não haja mais remédio…

Sou desequilibrada. Eu assumo. Sempre fui. Ou tudo ou nada. Quero estar sozinha, mas anseio reconhecimento e multidão, mas sou péssima a relacionar-me com pessoas e por vezes o meu discurso é desconexo. 

Não há nada que me possa salvar aqui onde estou.

Estou presa numa cidade que odeio, com a qual não me identifico e a qual nem faço o mínimo esforço para conhecer.  

Tento provar à minha família que já sou adulta, mas continuo a comportar-me como uma criança. Ainda sou a mesma miúda que arranjava problemas na escola e que o meu pai resolvia. O que será de mim quando o meu pai não puder resolver mais os meus problemas?!

E este é sem dúvida o meu ano mais depressivo com a data de completar 30 anos a aproximar-se cada vez mais, eu só quero adormecer e acordar longe em outro lugar e em outro tempo. E jamais estar sóbria.

E uma vez mais nem as coisas que me dão prazer eu consigo mais fazer. Como escrever. Tenho prazos a cumprir. Tenho pessoas a pressionar-me para escrever e nada consegue sair de dentro de mim…tudo é vazio … sem alma

E como sempre apenas tenho como companhia a lua lá bem no alto num céu sem fundo…

Percebi que estou no mundo dos crescidos, sem ter crescido ainda o suficiente.

De repente vejo-me numa empresa “`séria” com objectivos definidos …padrões de qualidade bem elevados …onde os números são bastante ambiciosos. Competição.

Vejo-me avaliada o tempo todo …e que o que faço está dentro de uma engrenagem que é maior do que eu …mas que os pequenos detalhes das minhas acções podem fazer a diferença pela positiva ou pela negativa. Vejo-me num meio onde há recompensas se fores realmente bom. Onde há consequências para todos se falhares. 

“A group of people  or a team?”

Sinto-me dentro de um “Mad Men” dos tempos modernos, onde cada um luta para manter as suas contas mais proveitosas mesmo que para isso tenha que se “vender “muitas vezes. Onde eu sou uma espécie de Don Draper aparentando que tudo está sob controle, mas que no fundo está perdido, fingindo ser alguém que não é e buscando a sua identidade. Ou será que sou uma Peggy Olson que de baixo, qual peixe miúdo, humildemente, tenta vingar entre os tubarões?

Sou um misto de ambos

Tal como a Peggy , que começou como uma simples secretária na agência “Sterling Cooper”  mas deu nas vistas, ganhou o seu lugar  tornou-se  numa dos grandes , ganhando o seu respeito, eu também comecei por “tapar buracos” , temporariamente , fazendo o que calhava , bebendo conhecimentos aqui e além, até um dia “me entregarem para as mãos” , assim muito de repente ,contas importantes da empresa  e ficar  mais na “spotlight”  .

Mas no fundo sou um Don Draper, que tentou cortar com o passado, vivendo de mentiras e fachadas, tentando aparentar uma responsabilidade, uma maturidade e uma confiança que não tenho e usando o álcool como o grande escape para expiar todas as fraudes quando o pano e a máscara caiem.

No final de contas, sou apenas uma louca que ansiava ter um emprego sério e estável, mas que nada mais é que uma uma escritora “wannabe” bêbada, solitária, que sempre se cansa das pessoas e da rotina.

"It's all smooth sailing from here on out..."

I live and live and still no purpose…

I’m almost on my thirties and I still don’t know who I am

I drink and drink trying to find a reason…

I am close to the empty glass and still no answers

I smoke and smoke trying to see some sign on the smoke…

My cigarette is burnt out and still no signals…

I write and write but  I can’t find the right words…

I’ m close to my masterpiece and still it slips through my fingers…

I think and think and still no ideas…

 I guess I just lost my mind…

Apocalyptic Isolation

There’s no better word for chaos. It’s just chaos.

We can call it mess, confusion…madness…

But it is what it is…simply chaos.

There’s no better way to get out than to leave …to slam the door in indifference…

There’s no better day to die than today…

There’s no better day to live than tomorrow…

There’s no better way to lose yourself than to open your eyes and turn your back on the abyss…

There are corners of this life that you can never reach…like you’re only living on the surface of life…you can see where you’ve been but not where you’re going…you can’t be at two places at once…you can’t take two paths at the same time…so you’re doomed to be constantly leaving pieces of yourself behind and to accept that’s the life…

Life… time …the god…the devil…the sun…the moon…whatever…this energy that’s greater than us…this power that outlive us...it works its ways…we can’t slow it down…or make it go faster…we can’t push it to go back or forth because it has its own mysterious ways…and we just acknowledge it and go on with it…

Day by day we’re closer to our end…that’s a truth that no one wants to admit even though everybody knows it…as if denying it will make it less real…

And day by day we postpone that end…and it doesn’t matter how old we are…every day lived in this world is a bonus…or just a misfortune…

Don’t let them fool you…life ain’t easy…. To live is to be in a constant battlefield and it doesn’t get any better with your experience or wisdom, because the more you know, the more being alive consumes you... until you reach the point of insanity…until you’ll need medication to get through the days…pills to help you sleep…pills to help calm down your nerves…alcohol to to make you be social and funny…

Drugs to keep you from dying and to make you forget you’re indeed dying…

Anomaly

I want to be real.

I want to exist.

I want my voice to have sound.

It feels like I’m lock inside a coffin … that I am already dead.

How come these things happen?

I want to fight against it…to reverse this entire situation, but I just let myself go…like there’s nothing else I could be doing to change it.

Of all the people I could be , this one is the worst. I am a phantom. An invisible corpse dancing to the sound of broken drums and rusty guitars…

I am the tragic tune playing on the funeral parade.

I want to breathe.

I want to scratch through the veil and to rise to the surface…

I want to fill this emptiness.
I finished three bottles of wine but I’m still empty…

I want to acknowledge my own purpose.

Who am I?

A lost cause? A drunken poet with nothing left but a lonely heart?

Am I my own alter ego ?  My schizophrenic self?

I’ve lost myself so many times that I cannot find a way out of this hole.

Is anybody out there?

I search for sounds of life, but all I find is the sound of my own steps back and forth inside these white walls.

I walk and walk in circles and I’m no closer that I was before…

Ordinary People

We are ordinary people…passing throughout time…

Living our ordinary lives…going somewhere…nowhere…

And if we are lucky enough …maybe we’ll see the sun from that mountain high…

We are just ordinary people…rolling the dice every day to guess our next step…

Life is a game of losers…no matter who you are…the cashier of a convenience store…a taxi driver…a nation’s leader… the richest person alive… the cover of the Vogue’s magazine …or whoever… eventually, you’ll be ordinary…

Life is going to consume you…time is going to tear you apart…and in the end …you’re just flesh and bones…

You’ll die alone…and no matter how full your life was…you too will be empty…like any other person…you’ll be ordinary…

We may try hard…every single minute of our time on this planet …to bend time…to go back and forward like a videotape…

Nostalgia will keep us stuck in that moment in time that we can’t seem to let go…and anxiety will keep us awake at night worried about the next day…

We will be falling in and out of love over and over in our lifetime….even if we don’t understand what love is…we’ll never understand it…we have to give up trying to figure it out...

You’ll either have your heart broken or you’ll break someone’s, heart…but don’t worry…as long as you’re alive…your heart will be functional ….pumping out blood through your veins…transporting oxygen to your brain…

Oxygen is, in fact, the most important thing to keep you alive.

Oxygen…water and some food…those things are all that takes to keep your body moving from one day to another…is really so simple as this…

But advertise and the society you were born into will teach otherwise… there are standards ….rules…the money you want to have to spend on things that you don’t need …to define you as a person…to put you in a category…

I take one for the headache and two for the loneliness…and I drink one bottle of wine  to forget the reality…And I ask for salvation…

Some nights I sleep for 10 hours. And other nights I don’t sleep at all…

I’m not crazy, you know, I’m just lost…

I want to praise the God and the Goddess…
The Goddess who is giving birth to the god of the darkness …
For the darkness is rising and we must accept the changings in our lives…
The days are getting darker. We must take this opportunity on the dark moments of our lives  to think about  what we did and what we’ll do…
This is a time of giving thanks for the things we have, for the abundance that we’ve been blessed with.
And I want to thank the God and the Goddess for they blessed me with sunny days and happy moments…and now in the darkness of October, I am ready to receive the winter   …I am ready to receive the rain, so next summer we will have a good harvest.

 "We might be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

                                                                                                                   - in Magnolia  -  

I watch this city passes by me as I don’t blend in it. This is not where I was supposed to be.

I’m here on a mission. I’m not here to make friends or enemies. I’m not here to settle down because I’ve got a plan of my own ...

"You know I look but just can’t find the reasons/ To face another day/ Cause I feel like crawling up inside,/ Just fading away, fading away …"

I made it. I turned 29. I’m alive. Who would’ve guessed?

I came from a broken home. Since I was a child I had to deal with constants fights between my parents. While I was studying or doing my homework, they´re arguing …screaming out loud…I had to find a way to ignore the screams…to focus on my books…the books saved me…the school saved me …Then I started to write...and that saved me too...the words that I wasn’t able to speak… writing on a piece of paper really helped me to exorcise some of the demons that were haunting me ...

I had all the right reasons to just go wrong…to go in the wrong direction…to run away from home…to drop out of school…to indulge myself in drugs or alcohol… but somehow I had a guardian angel…my will to succeed was so strong that I found I way to create a shell around me to protect myself from that environment…

Everyone in my neighborhood was predicting that I would become like my mother… an insane crazy woman… but…I had my father as a role model…an intelligent man …a wise man…who taught me Roman numerals,  who helped me to solve the math problems and who taught me  History .… that man…my hero until this day…he  wouldn’t let me get lost… even when he was called by the school principal when I broke the bathroom sink while drunk in between classes …he never lost his faith in me…he is still my guardian angel…

And of course my sweet and gentle grandmother, who tried her best to build my education…who showed me that I was loved…and that I could be as normal as anybody else…  that I could play like the other kids and ignore my mother’s behavior…she always trusted in me… until today…

All my life I tried not to let them down…even if I had to pretend…like the good old Freddie used to sing “Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender/Pretending that I'm doing well/My need is such I pretend too much/I'm lonely but no one can tell”…I made them believe– until this day -  that I was the person they wanted me to be…I guess that the end justifies the means…sometimes, I feel guilty, I made their standards too high for me…so I have to be that flawless person around them…but I don’t care, as long as I can put a smile on their faces…

And as for my mother…I forgave her… I really did… I learned to love her…because…as I was growing up I realized she loved me too…in her own weird way…  

And of course, I found some friends along the way that made me feel happy and accepted …and they’re also the reason I’m still here now …to them… and they’re not many…I want to thank them …for all the good memories I have today …for the crazy …the good…the normal…and just the ok moments we had …

 And today…I feel like I am that broken toy that no one wants to play with anymore…and sure, I actually got into drugs and alcohol like I was supposed to …like I was destined to…but…even so, I wake up every morning and try to look normal… and for me, that tastes like victory… 

September's lullaby

Here’s to you…my soul that I once sold…

Here’s to the devil’s last laugh as the choir sings hallelujah …

Here’s to the castaway…the one left aside…the lonely flesh and bone body stuck between four empty walls…

Here’s to the darkness. The confusion. The anguish. The remorse.

Here’s to you. Here’s to me.

Here’s to the last single drop of wine in an empty bottle.

Here’s to the dreams and the dreamers.

Here’s to the sins and the sinners.

Here’s to the holy water exorcising the evil inside  one’s heart.

Here’s to the dawn that falls so gently and yet hurts so badly.

Here’s to the promise land. To the Neverland. To the heaven turned into Hell.

Here’s to the angels falling from grace …losing their wings and bleeding in public restroom floors.

Here’s to the invisible shadow crossing the path of sorrow and agony.

Here’s to the silent voice that sings the funeral tune of the damned.

Here’s to this autumn lullaby. This solitary melody. 

No God to watch over me. Only the sun that sets on the horizon and the moon that rises in the sky.

"Pills, Demons & Etc."

 You, you got skills you got the pills

You're getting older

You got the weight of all that's left you on your shoulder

But the world still waits for you

Though you stare right through me

You got your demons and your ways of life

You could pull the trigger and

You'd end the strike

I got the news you had the blues you bought a ticket

To the one place that I won't be going to visit

What the fuck where you thinking

Now I stare right through you

You got your demons and your ways of life

You could pull the trigger and

You'd end the strike

You got your demons and your fancy wine

It would go down easy if you'd spend the night

You got your demons and your ways of life

You could pull the trigger and

You'd end the strike

You got your demons and your fancy wine

It would go down easy if you'd spend the night

                                                                                                             - Velvet Revolver - 

.......

 I am shallow and empty again… like a carcass…

One minute I am here…the next  I’m gone…because I can’t just stay focused…

There’s this dark light that walks beside me wherever I go…no matter how hard I try to reach out for the clear skies …

I just need another drink to help get through the night…

I heard it somewhere and it seems pretty accurate “It’s really not worth going away, because it really does make it ten times worst to come back “

"Wake me up when the party's over it seems I've had too much wine"

Do you know that girl who goes to the shopping mall at 09 pm just to buy two bottles of wine and a pack of cigarettes?

That girl who hates being a hangover in the morning but can’t stop drinking night after night? Do you know that girl who tries to catwalk on the streets pretending she's on the red carpet?

That girl who doesn't believe in God but, in times of despair, tries to reach out to him asking for some guidance?

Do you know that girl who tells lies just to be funny?

That girl who is always broke because she spends all her money on things she doesn't need?

Do you know that girl who keeps changing places to live because she can’t stand the routine?

That girl who’s always alone in the middle of the crowd, because she never lets anyone get into her life? 

Do you that girl who tries so hard to fit in…to be the normal girl …but she’s always the awkward one?

That girl who hates to dress like everyone else, but is too insecure to stand up and to be different?

Do you know that girl who watches those old movies over and over again, knowing that nothing new is going to happen, expecting some thrill?

That girl who is nostalgic all the time?

Do you know that girl who eats only salad on a daily basis but keeps getting fatter?

That girl who should get some help?

That girl could be me, right?

“An it harm none do what ye will”

May the Goddess give you sweet and fertile soil for your feet to walk on.

And may the God make you stronger to face the storms that will spoil your harvest.

May you have the will to sow the seeds once again after the hurricane.

May you accept that the big wheel will turn over and over again, and sometimes you´re up and sometimes you´re down. May you take the lessons you need from it and carry on.

And may you receive with joy the good and the bad that comes into your life , for there are no wrong choices, for there are no wrong directions…life is a journey and it’s not about the destination, but the several paths you take , unaware of what is expecting you at the end. There’s no end. There’s no beginning.

And If you’re ever feeling in doubt, questioning yourself and your surroundings, keep in mind that the Universe has set up a plan for your existence and nothing is random.  Not even your idle days.

And there will be times you won’t know which side you’ll take… wandering between what your parents taught you and what the world showed to you .

What your parents had taught you was based  on their own life experiences, and it won’t suit you, and the world is showing you images, feelings, sensations only  based on your perspective, and they may be deceiving. It's alright , you don't need to choose a side.

May you receive the cold air of the Winter nights, just so you can  appreciate the warm  of the Summer days.

May  you acknowledge the fallen leaves  of the Autumn days , so you can celebrate the blooming flowers in the Springtime.

May you be conscious that life is a cycle … and so as seasons turn, you and everybody around you will change. So don’t have unrealistic expectations about nobody. Don’t expect anything; be only thankful for each day.