"You know I look but just can’t find the reasons/ To face another day/ Cause I feel like crawling up inside,/ Just fading away, fading away …"

I made it. I turned 29. I’m alive. Who would’ve guessed?

I came from a broken home. Since I was a child I had to deal with constants fights between my parents. While I was studying or doing my homework, they´re arguing …screaming out loud…I had to find a way to ignore the screams…to focus on my books…the books saved me…the school saved me …Then I started to write...and that saved me too...the words that I wasn’t able to speak… writing on a piece of paper really helped me to exorcise some of the demons that were haunting me ...

I had all the right reasons to just go wrong…to go in the wrong direction…to run away from home…to drop out of school…to indulge myself in drugs or alcohol… but somehow I had a guardian angel…my will to succeed was so strong that I found I way to create a shell around me to protect myself from that environment…

Everyone in my neighborhood was predicting that I would become like my mother… an insane crazy woman… but…I had my father as a role model…an intelligent man …a wise man…who taught me Roman numerals,  who helped me to solve the math problems and who taught me  History .… that man…my hero until this day…he  wouldn’t let me get lost… even when he was called by the school principal when I broke the bathroom sink while drunk in between classes …he never lost his faith in me…he is still my guardian angel…

And of course my sweet and gentle grandmother, who tried her best to build my education…who showed me that I was loved…and that I could be as normal as anybody else…  that I could play like the other kids and ignore my mother’s behavior…she always trusted in me… until today…

All my life I tried not to let them down…even if I had to pretend…like the good old Freddie used to sing “Oh-oh, yes I'm the great pretender/Pretending that I'm doing well/My need is such I pretend too much/I'm lonely but no one can tell”…I made them believe– until this day -  that I was the person they wanted me to be…I guess that the end justifies the means…sometimes, I feel guilty, I made their standards too high for me…so I have to be that flawless person around them…but I don’t care, as long as I can put a smile on their faces…

And as for my mother…I forgave her… I really did… I learned to love her…because…as I was growing up I realized she loved me too…in her own weird way…  

And of course, I found some friends along the way that made me feel happy and accepted …and they’re also the reason I’m still here now …to them… and they’re not many…I want to thank them …for all the good memories I have today …for the crazy …the good…the normal…and just the ok moments we had …

 And today…I feel like I am that broken toy that no one wants to play with anymore…and sure, I actually got into drugs and alcohol like I was supposed to …like I was destined to…but…even so, I wake up every morning and try to look normal… and for me, that tastes like victory…